October 3, 1986

Mein Lieber Bruder:

It appears to me that it is not your goodness at question, but the dissatisfaction you are experiencing with your understanding of it.

Goodness is a delightfully complex human phenomenon, and to say that something is complex is just a shorter way of saying that there are a lot of simple things going on at the same time. Since I see goodness as a kind of vehicle in the human scene, let's play psychological auto-mechanic and take it apart. We'll try to see what each part looks like, then put it back together and see how it operates as a whole.

A place to begin would be with security: we never feel more secure than when we are feeling good about ourselves. Remember what a dare-devil you were as a kid? You would do damned near anything if you thought it meant that other people would like you better. While you were doing things like swinging out over cliffs and letting go, I was doing things like buying Mother's Day cakes; and for the very same reason. One of the worst forms of child abuse is to be abandoned: it instills a deeply rooted sense of inferiority that dictates to the child, "I do not have the right to feel good about myself until I make sure that other people feel good about me first."

I maintain that every child has the right to feel good about himself simply because he is alive, and with no strings attached. But our sense of security, which ideally is every child's birthright, had been distorted. At an impossibly young age, without any knowledge or skill, we were forced into the position of making people like us, care for us, love us. Our security became dependent on the approval of others because the people who were supposed to be there for us were gone. (As it turns out, I seriously doubt that our parents were capable of doing a very good job, anyway.)

Many people who wind up in similar situations defend themselves by withdrawing further and further from reality. Some become so incapacitated that they need to be institutionalized. But, in a weird way, we were kind of lucky. We discovered other defenses. Instead of withdrawing from reality we learned how to manipulate it.

Every individual develops his psychological defense mechanisms out of his very real necessity to survive. The failure of society to understand this has led to maintenance of the chain of events which insists that survival continue to be the complicated ordeal that children suffer. It is the profound disgrace of Western Civilization.

We were able to locate an inner resource: let's call it warmth. Warmth is that component of our goodness which provides us with the ability to be aware, and sensitive to the needs of others. If we never had the opportunity to develop this resource it is because there was no one there to teach us how or why. The truth is that we were genuinely preoccupied with a sensitivity toward our own needs. And so, a human resource, with the potential of bringing something as creative as love into the world, was reduced to the status of a job skill. We learned to make ourselves likable by being charming and gregarious.

The main problem with defenses is that we tend to get so good at using them, that we forget why we needed them in the first place. There is a curious paradox at work here and it is important to take a close look at it. In order to be successful at making our defenses work, we have to continue to find situations that welcome them, which only goes to the reinforcement of our dependent position in life.

As our needs as human beings mature and we are faced with the task of living up to the best in ourselves, there has to be a corresponding increase in our capacity for honesty. Honesty is the component of our goodness which allows us to distinguish between what is true and what is false; without it, there can be no dissatisfaction with either ourselves or the world around us.

You have always possessed these qualities, Eugene. They have gone into making you the wonderful husband and father, and the fine soldier that you are. Something else you've always possessed is your joy of living, and a deeper understanding of the nature of your goodness will increase that joy ten-fold (for starters). The truth is that we never get better at being good; we get better at learning how to apply it.

Men like you and I need to know that we can be effective; our pride is anchored by this need. Our long history, however, of basing our inner security on the approval of others has made our pride dependent on our accomplishments. But by beginning to understand your goodness and those qualities which make it possible you can begin to base your pride exclusively on it. Your accomplishments become even more effective when they are the by-product of the pride you have in your goodness.

When you can be content with what you already know and at the same time be dissatisfied because you need to know more: then you have mastered the art of Peace of Mind, and there is no facet of the human experience that cannot be understood.

I know that you are going through a difficult period right now. You are in the process of giving up a career in which you've invested twenty years of your life. At the same time you are asking yourself some pretty big personal questions that challenge the fabric of your character. Whenever I find myself grappling with issues of this caliber, which I must tell you is often, I begin by employing a technique that I call "The Student's Approach". In effect, because I can maintain an awareness of my goodness, I can honestly admit to myself that there is something I don't understand, then grant myself permission to go about the process of finding out. And because I know that this is an independent choice I have made there is no compulsive desire to arrive at conclusions, but rather each new problem becomes a project that I can work on, in my own time and at my own pace.

Whenever I choose to give up something that I've previously been attached to but am now dissatisfied with, it is inevitable that I will establish a void in my identity, and there are a thousand distractions waiting in the wings to fill it; anything from reckless behavior to helpless depression. I've learned to protect myself from these distractions by realizing that if there were no voids in reality, man would never be thrilled by the magnificence of the Grand Canyon. Our psychological voids are simply the threshold of the unknown, and can be an invitation to the great adventure of discovering something new about our humanity.

Good luck on your new adventure. If you should ever need some assistance along the way, I'll be around.

Love,

Your Brother

Tony