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A Letter to Gayle [2001]

'db'

Gayle,

Your story is very familiar to me. I have heard it scores of times. If the following analysis seems flippant, please understand that it isn't. I sympathize with the unhappiness you're experiencing, but I also feel that the answer to your predicament is quite simple.

I believe you have what we call an extroverted or "masculine" personality. I assume Bob has dragged you through some of these semantics, but if these terms are not already familiar to you, I can explain them in detail in a follow-up.

One of the diagnostic clues here is that deep feeling makes you feel helpless, tearful, obsessive, then hateful and ultimately enraged. "Feminines" are more comfortable with deep feelings and handle them better. (Analogously, masculines handle highly vigorous states without losing their integrity, whereas feminines often "lose it" and go bezerk.)

When you are drawn into a courtship, it's very important that YOU be the one who is loved, and the other person do the loving. That's what you need, and that's what you're looking for. Don't worry about reciprocation. You will reciprocate in terms of power — the guidance you will offer your mates, the protection you will grant them, the security they will feel in your possession.

Frank is basically a very serious and psychologically sophisticated person — but that doesn't mean he doesn't have problems. In fact, most of us wouldn't ever become serious or psychologically sophisticated if disturbing personal problems hadn't forced us to become so. Society certainly doesn't push us in that direction. On the contrary, it encourages us to think what we're told to think and do what we're told to do.

Frank has a capacity to love, but it's limited to individuals for whom he feels sexual desire. He may have been drawn into professing love for you merely because you seemed to want it so much and because he wanted to please you. Apparently, he has re-examined his feelings and cooled off. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIS FEELINGS JUST BY DEMANDING THEY BE DIFFERENT.

Glomming onto Frank — or indeed anyone — will only make things worse. Give him time to think about what he feels for you. The saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true, in this case at least.

His reluctance to put you up at his house has nothing to do with you, Gayle, but is a reflection of his deeply phobic nature, which he hides. He takes great pride in performing on stage precisely because it takes him out of the phobic and inhibited world he normally inhabits and makes him feel, for an hour, quite extroverted. But I would agree with you if you think he should have "grown out" of such stinginess a long time ago. Frank's biggest problem with loving is his goddamned selfishness.

As I said, this analysis may seem overly schematic to you, and for that I apologize. I'd like to hear more from you about aspects of this situation I may have misunderstood, and you are welcome to call me to discuss the situation.

Dean

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A Letter to Gayle [2001]

Dean's Correspondence

	Correspondence with Paul [1966 - 1968]
	A Letter to Aunt Jean [1966]
	A Letter to William F. Buckley [August 3, 1970]
	A Letter from William F. Buckley [September 8, 1970]
	Letters to Judy [1977, 1985, 1997, 2007]
	A Letter to Heinz Pagels [June 2, 1982]
	A Letter to Teddi [1984]
	Letters to Heinz and Elaine Pagels [1984, 1988]
	A Letter to Tony Rostron [1985]
	Letters to Janet [1985]
	A Letter to Laurie [1985]
	A Letter to Leonard Albert [February 16, 1986]
	Letters to Marjorie [1987, 1988]
	Letters to Bob [1988, 1994, 1995, 1999]
	A Letter to the Bronx High School of Science [1988]
	A Letter to J. Amaran, Technical Advisor to the Indian Freeware Foundation [1988]
	Letters to Gail [1989, 1999]
	Letters to Mark H. [1989, 1991, 2000]
	Letters to the Members of the Ninth Street Center [1989, 2009]
	Letters to Prof. Daniel N. Robinson [1990 - 1993]
	A Letter to Fox 5/WNYW Television [1990]
	A Letter to Karl [1991]
	A Letter to Peter [1993]
	A Letter to John [1994]
	Letters to Hank [1994, 1997, 2002]
	A Letter to Jeff [1997]
	A Letter to Allan [1997]
	A Letter to Esther [1997]
	A Letter to Bill [1997]
	Letters to Alan [1997, 2004]
	Letters to Edmund [1998]
	A Letter to Edward [1998]
	A Letter to Jennifer [1999]
	A Letter to Jennifer [1999]
	Letters to Charlene [1999, 2000]
	A Letter to Lauren [1999]
	A Letter to Laurie [1999]
	A Letter to Steve J. [1999]
	A Letter to Steve Z. [1999]
	A Letter to Dr. John Allan Hobson [1999]
	A Letter to Eve [2000]
	A Letter to Cecelia [2000]
	A Letter to Ian [2000]
	A Letter to Arabelle [2000]
	A Letter to Ellen [2002]
	A Letter to Ron [2004]
	A Letter to Don [2005]
	Letters to Ethan [2005]
	A Letter to Susan [2006]
	A Letter to Juliana [2006]
	A Letter to Dr. James Samuels [2008]
	A Letter to Richard [2009]
	A Letter to Leah [2012]
	A Letter to Harold [2013] You have allowed the phenomenal world to penetrate you deeply, and it's no surprise that this new intimacy overstimulates you, causing you great pain and consternation